Meeting the REAL Jesus

"You’ll remember, friends, that when I first came to you to let you in on God’s master stroke, I didn’t try to impress you with polished speeches and the latest philosophy.

I deliberately kept it plain and simple: first Jesus and who he is; then Jesus and what he did—Jesus crucified."

- 1 Cor. 2:1-2 (The Message)

As I was trying to put together a cohesive blog in which the depth of emotion and proper intentions of my thoughts could be clearly displayed, I came across the verse above. This verse really spoke to me after I had been mulling around several ideas of exactly how to cohesively include all of my thoughts. I take much time, diligence, and pride in my work, putting everything into writing to the best of my ability. Then I found this verse saying we don't need to worry about having polished speeches and the best theological debate skills for backing up the truth; it needs to be kept simple, because Jesus is simple. In saying such, I no longer am going to focus on trying to fit everything together into somehow making sense, because Jesus will do the work for me. To you, the reader, this means that this blog will mostly be a stream of consciousness and may or may not make sense or fit together, but I aim to keep it simple and let Jesus do the rest. 

Let me begin by saying that I have no idea where to really start, because things have been a little crazy lately. I guess I'll start with the turning point to the renewing of my mind. Several weeks ago, probably sometime in March, God brought some amazing people into my life. My good friend kept telling me that she was having some friends from out of town come to visit, and that they were amazing and really wanted me to meet them. In all honesty, I was hesitant and really had no desire to do so, because making friends usually doesn't come easy to me, and I figured I'd just be the odd one out. I almost didn't go, but at the very last minute I felt something tugging on me to just go to the play with them and see what happened. Well the play ended up being dreadful, but the people quite absolutely amazing. 

I was expecting to meet some random people, have to try really hard to make small talk for the evening, and then head home after the play the same as I had gone. Boy, was I severely wrong, because I came away from that meeting a completely changed person. I didn't have to think of things to say to them, act extra friendly to cover up my shyness, or try to be someone I thought they would approve of. Instead, the minute I walked in I was warmly welcomed, and felt an incredible peace and ability to just be myself. Small talk wasn't an option for these two; instead, sharing the love and freedom of Jesus Christ was the forefront of their focus, in conversation and in action. I was challenged almost immediately when I was asked "So, what are your biggest dreams and aspirations for your life? If money wasn't an option, what would you dream of doing?" Cutting directly to getting to know my heart and my dreams was definitely not the kind of small talk you typically experience upon first meeting someone. But these people weren't just anyone. They are warriors of Christ, with a passion to get people dreaming and passionately pursuing the ministry and love of Jesus. I was honestly taken off guard, and was not sure how to answer.  Someone has never asked me that before, nor have they genuinely cared to actually listen to the answer. This kind of crazy love was something I had never experienced before. These people displayed a huge love and care for me, and they didn't even know me! They laughed with me and touched my arm casually, as if to tenderly say "we accept you!" They knew nothing about me, and yet they repetitively told me how beautiful, amazing, awesome I was, without expecting anything in return. And with no doubt, they genuinely meant it with their whole heart! They told me that God cares about all of my dreams, ambitions, and passions. They told me that healing and restoring relationships with my parents was indeed possible. They told me that I was no longer in bondage, but that I am FREE! I was relieved, taken off guard, and ultimately loved just for showing up- just for being ME! So incredible, and so unexpected. Life changing, really. And it didn't stop right there. Because it wasn't a familiar "I'm going to show Christ's love to you because I'm suppose to. I'm going to be kind and love you while I'm here, but will forget about you as soon as we go home." No. It was a "I love you wholeheartedly. You 

are a part of my family now, you are a sister in Christ. I care about you, and will continue to do so as I encourage, love, and speak truth into your life on a daily basis, because that's what unconditional love does.We know you now, and there's no escaping our love after this." This completely unexpected, shocking, unbelievable love and genuine care from a stranger impacted my life in an incredible way. It was the first time I have ever met a person and immediately knew what Jesus looked like. The first time I realized that genuine love for everyone is actually a tangible reality. That day, I saw a living example of what it looks like to represent Jesus. And it has changed my life forever.

MORE TO COME LATER 

Dog Days are Over

The last of my posts was written in a time of great darkness for me. It was a time in my life where light had turned to darkness, my trust in loved ones was broken by unfaithfulness, and all form of hope had vanished with the sunshine. In the middle of this, a dear friend encouraged me, as well as sending me the link to a song titled "Dog Days are Over" by Florence + The Machine. You can watch it here: "Dog Days Are Over"

The title sounded promising, with hopes that the video would help encourage my own "Dog Days" to come to an end. In all honesty, I found no interest or enjoyment in the video or song. I think I shut it off half way through. But the title alone, along with my friend's enthusiasm for sharing it with me did spark hope in me. I didn't gain anything from the song itself, but I knew my friend wished for my days to improve, for my life to move in a better direction. Holding on to the hope that one day they would, I moved forward and kept the phrase in the back of my mind. I haven't listened to that song since, but today as I look at my life and the darkness which Christ has brought me out of, I can say with complete joy, that my own "Dog Days Are Over!"

After going back and reading my last post, I smile and take joy in the fact that the blessings of today were not possible without the strong hand of my Savior. I read back and remember my lack of strength, even in being able to carry my heart and burdens to Jesus. The last post ended with concluding as such, and my last words were "Jesus, save me!" My hope and trust that He would come through was nearly non-existent. The Bible says that God draws near to those who draw near to Him. I had not even the motivation nor strength emotionally to carry my heart to Him. I had built so many walls around heart to protect it, I could barely find or recognize my true self anymore. But Jesus heard my cry, He heard my need for Him, and He came in my darkness. 

He didn't brighten my life immediately. He didn't take away all my depression, my dark days, or tear down those walls within a second. But He never left me. He was faithful, and carried me right through the middle of the storm. It has been a long, hard, and many times a painful process to bring me to the place I am now. Lies have been dispelled and replaced with truth, trials overcome and replaced with strength, victories won and rewarded with wisdom, crazy love poured out through vulnerable forgiveness, and above all, reckless abandon of my heart to my loving King has replaced the havoc and reckless abandon of my heart to the lies and oppression of the Enemy!

Truth, strength, forgiveness, love, holiness, purity, beauty, and the acknowledgement of it; none come easily, and especially not on our own. There has been much pain and difficulty in learning, but the blessings of joy, life lessons, and wisdom far exceed the pain of the struggle. I have lost much and many, but I have gained a trust and joy in Christ throughout it. I trust and hope in the Lord and in His goodness, and I will fear and worry not. Worry tells God He's not big enough, that we will take over now since He can't or (in our fallen belief) won't. This is not only a sin from pride, but also a falsehood concieved and impressed upon humans by Satan, our greatest enemy. Trust God even in the pain, because He will bring blessings through it, even when you can't seem to see the way out. 

As of late, many circumstances and aims for destruction from the Enemy have tried to work their way into my heart and life, but God, in His faithfulness, is using it to lead me into the reckless abandon of my heart and into the crazy love which He so deeply desires from us. And which I am constantly learning as of late, through which reckless abandon and crazy love can only come through, takes complete, unabashed, brazen vulnerability. Yes, we all just shuddered a little bit. But seriously, it's downright terrifying sometimes, and almost impossible during others.

By no means is brazen vulnerability a naturally desired quality by humans, none that I've personally met anyhow. For example, many followers of Christ wholeheartedly seek and desire, through the Holy Spirit, to become holy, loving, graceful, loving, faithful, trusting, and beautiful. These are desired qualities that many deem are qualities of a "good Christian." Vulerabilily, however, is not so often glorified or sough after. Why? Because it down right hurts, and scares us to death. Being completely open and raw leaves room for people and the world around us to hurt us, cut us, break our hearts. It leaves our real, true selves open and unprotected, open to judgement, pain, and the feeling of putting ourselves on the front line of battle. It means we have to let go of fear, pride, and the illusion that we can efficiently protect ourselves. But the truth of the matter is this: with Christ, we don't have to strive so hard to protect our hearts when we have Him. Why should we strive so strenuously to keep our hearts protected, when Christ should have it all? Do we not trust Him to carry us through, to put salve on our hearts, and continue to be the love that pours through our hearts when our own is not sufficient?

This is not to say we should throw our hearts out to every person we meet, that we should whole heartedly trust every stranger as though they were a friend. His word says not to "throw your pearls before swine." We should be wise about who we share the deepest caverns of our heart with. We should, especially women, save the mysteries of our souls for our mate. Vulnerability does not necessarily mean bearing our soul and every detail of our hearts for all to see. But what it does mean is keeping ourselves open to unconditional love for each person, especially those who hurt us most. In fact, it's usually those we are closest to that tend to scare us into sheltering our vulnerability.

I personally find that my walls and flat countenance of spirit (automatic defense by showing no emotion whatsoever) are immediately thrown up in the presence of my family and certain friends. Showing any emotions, any tenderness, any softness of spirit simply insights fear in me- fear that they will see me as I am- a flawed, sinful human being in need of a Savior. And in other cases, fear of being hurt by those who have failed us, those we don't want to lose, because we love them so dearly. The fact is, people are always going to fail us, as we fail them.

What quality of life, or power of Jesus Christ can be displayed in our lives if we keep our hearts shut down, fearful to love completely and unconditionally? Jesus says to come to Him; He is the keeper of our hearts. He continues to heal and restore in ways we can never begin to understand or do for ourselves. He calls us to have crazy love for everyone. If our hearts are not one hundred percent open, we can not love competely. If our hearts are guarded, we miss out on the blessings that being open with others can bring. We must trust Him to heal our hearts when we love so vulnerably and our hearts get shattered as a result because of it. And they WILL be. It's a chance, and it's dangerous, but its the only way. There is no fear in loving openly and vulnerably if we know we have Jesus Christ to run to. If we give Him, and Him alone our hearts to protect, He will always take care of us. We may bleed deeply at times, but the scares and beauty He will bring from pain will be worth it all.

What does this look like then? It looks like unconditional forgiveness and love towards those wo hurt you-over, and over, and over again.  When asked how many times we should forgive, Jesus said "seven times seventy." It looks like being gracious and tender as women of God. His word says "Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." Ephesians 4:2 as well as "Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." 1 Peter 3:4
It looks like following Jesus into the dark places we fear, in trust that He will bring us through.

God has created us in His image. He is a passionate, seeking, loving God with a zeal for our hearts. Are we passionately, wholeheartedly seeking His heart with the same zeal? Can we trust Him enough to say "I give up my pride and striving to protect myself, God, I trust YOU to hold me together"? It's scary, and excruciatinly hard, but its so worth it. I encourage you to see where brazen vulnerablilty will more wholely lead you into the passionate reckless abandon and crazy love which our great God gives and calls us to daily.

Will you give up your own will for futile self-protection, and just trust Him today with you heart, your whole heart? Continue to forgive and in turn, love in ways you never thought possible. Brazen vulnerability. Will you join me today? I hope you will.

May Jesus continue to lead, teach, and heal our thirsty hearts. I will follow Him where He leads, even if it means darkness and chaos but nothing but His hands holding me. But thankfully, for the time being, Dog Days are Over!

Blessings,
Katie Grace

The Battle

I know no one reads this blog. At least, I don't know of any that do. Which is why I am coming here to write now, seeking comfort in the solace of the keys clacking, the words forming. Somehow, this typing soothes me.

I have an eating disorder. It's not a "big" important one, like anorexia or bulimia, but its still unhealthy. Its still an addiction, one I have a hard time overcoming. Its seems like a daily battle, and I never win. Its called Night Eating Syndrome (NES), and its not a recognized "disorder," but rather a very unhealthy syndrome. I eat really healthy all day, and then at night, right before bed (and even sometimes leaving the comfort of my bed to eat at 1 or 2 am) I eat. And eat. And then eat some more. Its not like normal binge eating, where you eat large amounts of random food very quickly. This is more of a syndrome where one eats, usually, smaller snacks, but going back multiple times for more and more snacks, until the calorie count far exceeds what a typical snack should contain. 

I hate it. I just feel so hungry at night. And then I feel so guilty. I'm never going to fit into a bathing suit at this rate. All the experts say that it most likely has to do with depression, and/or suppressed feelings of anxiety, stress, and depression that leads one to eat and eat, when really it is more of an emotional hunger. Eating this way fluxuates serotonin levels, and often times leads to a headache upon waking, and then breakfast anorexia (rarely eating breakfast, or having to practically force oneself to.)

And then, I also believe I have a chronic sleeping disorder. I'll sleep 14 hours if my alarm doesn't keep waking me. Even then, I can't seem to get myself up. I'm exhausted the rest of the day, with no energy, and oftentimes a horrible headache. I just want to sleep, all the time. I just want to do absolutely nothing, because I'm so tired and feel so bad. 

And then there's the complete and utter loss of all drive, enthusiasm for life, and desire for human contact. Lately, I've stayed home almost every single day. I had to literally muster up every single drop of energy in me to force myself to go to church. Not because it was church, just because I have no drive to get dressed, get ready, drive, and especially see people. I'm anxious to be around people more so lately. It means I have to push exceptionally hard to focus on being present, and absorbed in the world around me. So much of this last week I have spent, what seems like, in the basement of my soul. I reside down there, safe and quiet and surrounded by walls to keep me safe. I don't like coming up. It exposes me, and I feel so uncomfortable. I hate it. I sound like a psycho. And maybe I am. But chronic depression and mental illness runs in my family. Maybe only Jesus can save me where I'm at. 

I'm complacent, hungry, and tired. I've been hurt, and in those moments, I promised myself I would never love again. I put huge walls up in a mere second, walls that takes months of time, faithfulness and trust to tear down. They are higher and stronger than they have ever been before. I build those walls around my heart in a moment of hurt, and though I've forgiven and trying to move on, those walls aren't easy to take down right away. They have pushed me further into depression, where I hunger to feed my hurts, my anxieties, and my voids. I want to sleep, all the time, because it keeps me out of reality as well. I am complacent, because these walls have turned my heart to stone. I have decided not to care anymore, because it hurts too much. 

I don't want to be this person. I want to love, and live life to the fullest. I want to be motivated, and joyful, and energetic. But as much as I want all those things, I don't have it within me to break out of the walls that hold me in. I have decided I don't want those walls. But once they were made, I can't take them down with just a choice. I need Jesus. So deeply. Yet I have not even the strength to drag myself up the stairs of the basement in my heart, just enough to bring myself before His throne. I have not the strength to utter the words "save me." I am a zombie. Lifeless, futile, and emotionless. I've been here before. Last time it lasted over a year. 

Though I feel no emotion in this heart of stone, in my head I know what I want; what I need. And I feel nothing, no desperation nor enthusiasm. Yet I know in my head what I should feel. I know what I should beg. And though I have not the strength nor desperation to back up this plea, I throw it out there nonetheless; Jesus, save me!

Finding a Cure

My throat should be numb; and it is. But from the physical ailments that plague my body, not from the nonstop screaming inside my head. The pounding pulsing throughout the temples of my head, however, I think I can blame on both. It's been going on for quite some time now. The flu's have been coming and going, every weekend almost. My immune system doesn't seem to be working right. Somehow in my weakened condition, aided by sleep loss, I seem to contract a new flu almost as soon as the old one is gone.

The screaming seems to take on the same pattern. The reason is similar, but the core is different. This time, the weakened immune system isn't my body, but my heart. When we don't get sleep, proper nutrition, and exercise, we become vulnerable to more attacks. It only makes sense that our hearts respond in the same manner. Do we go to God enough to let Him give us rest? "My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken"-Psalm 62:1-2. Are we shaken because we don't go to God for our rest and our refuge? Is that where much of our sickness begins to fester, is in the weariness of our hearts? Only God can restore our rest, give us new strength. We can take as many over the counter drugs as we want, but most only make the symptoms go away, mask them. Only medicine directly targeted for the precise sickness can truly (sometimes) cure the illness. In the same way, filling our souls with cheap, over the counter substitutes will never be efficient. They may take our mind of our stress for a moment, but the thought is still there in the mind. They may make us feel relaxed, for a time, but the underlying problem is still there. In the same way, resting in the refuge of God's presence is our only true antidote for our spiritual sickness.

Christ says that His word is our "Daily Bread," vital nutrition for our spiritual lives. So many times we fill our bodies, and hearts, with junk food instead of nutritious food which aid in our health. We fill our hearts and minds with things not of Christ, and yet we hope to be healthy and strong Christians. We hope to "fight the good fight" and move forward in strength. How can one do that if we starve ourselves of proper spiritual nutrition, the Word of God? Going into battle, we need our armor on for protection. We must put on the full Armor of God. One of the most important ways to do that is to continuously fuel our spiritual bodies with the daily bread.

And last, but definitely not least of these, is exercise. I know, I know. I just groaned with you too. But it's so crucial to our physical bodies, and to God. We must keep our body in shape if we wish to have good health, strength, and endurance. In the same way, exercising our faith on a regular basis is what keeps us moving forward in strength, endurance, and spiritual health. So many times we struggle to get even 30 minutes of uninterrupted exercise. So many responsibilities get in the way, and day after day it gets shoved on the back burner. Finally we look in the mirror and don't like what we see. When you look in the mirror, do you see the person you want to be? Or have you grown fat on God's love and grace, too busy to share, practice, exercise your faith and love to those around you? We can park at the end of the parking lot, and take the stairs instead of the elevator to get exercise. We can incorporate these things into our daily lifestyle so that they don't become a demand, an inconvenience to carry out. In what ways can we incorporate exercising God's love, grace, kindness, goodness, self-control, faithfulness, humbleness, graciousness in areas of our life, in a way that becomes part of our lives, not a demand to "throw in a little love for this person here" or "forgive this person on Wednesday."

The coughing seems to be ceasing a little bit more. The screaming, not so much. I beg and wail within me, praying for the peace and joy of God to come to me. For days at a time I beg, I wait on Him. He has never left my side, even when I don't feel Him there. Sometimes God lets us go through hard seasons in our lives, but that doesn't mean He has left us. I will wait on Him. He may not swoop down and make everything the way I hope, but one thing I know. He promises to never leave me. And He won't. He is here, in the middle of my storm, going before me every step of the way. I am sick, of body and of spirit, but He says to come, "come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Come, eat of my bread, my Word which will quench your hunger and thirst, for I am the Living Water. Come, exercise my love to those around you. Don't hoard it to yourself and grow fat on my mercy. Share your bounty with those who have little. Come.

I am sick. We all are sick, some at one point or the other, some always. But I know the great Physician, and if we come to Him for His expertise in rest, nutrition, and exercise, He will mend our broken hearts and heal us deeper than any prescribed medicine will ever be able to do. I may be sitting in the waiting room right now, but the Doctor is here, and He will come for me, and He will call me by name.